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Today, in the very early morning hours, in the place between, I couldn’t find a way to worry. Every time I tried, I was just here, now, breathing. And I couldn’t figure out how not to be. 

In fact, I tried to go over my uber-full schedule for the day and the coming days, I tried to think about the sadness of coming to the end of an incredible semester with another incredible group of students, I tried to worry about finances, I tried to worry about getting behind in life, I tried and I tried and I tried. But I couldn’t figure out how to be worrisome and stay worrisome, which itself was not so much worrisome as it was interesting to watch the show unfolding onstage without being in the starring role for once.

My attempt to find something to disrupt my peace was like riding a bike with a chain that keeps slipping when the gears are stripped, or trying to tighten a nut on a bolt whose threads are almost bare, or attempting to get a rear-wheel drive car to go up a steep hill on a solid sheet of ice.

As soon as I tried to put my mind in gear, as soon as I attempted to apply some pressure, as soon as I tried to get somewhere else, it was as if the chain of reactivity slipped, the nut-i-ness of the mind lost its ability to hold, and the wheels of machinating completely and utterly spun out.

So I was left to just be here, now. 

With my breath.

I think it was the breath’s fault. 

It was so good, so tempting to pay attention to, so delicious to feel coming in and out of the body, so vibrant in its sensations, so enlivening to each and every cell.

The breath seduced me and I couldn’t help but give in to her. Note: I experimented with changing the sentence (two sentences before this one) with the feminine pronoun and it felt better to just leave it the way it is and have you read it with the pronoun of your choice and in your own time to feel the effect. 

Anyway, it was like that. It was whole-body and immersive and intimate and there was just no possible way to exit the present moment. 

No way not to be here, now.

And, once I let go of being surprised, I allowed myself to steep in the waters of mystery, to soak in equanimity, to swim in all-is-wellness, to dive deep into simply being unchanging loving awareness, to set my self free and see my self free and experience my self free from all longing and craving and avoiding.

Timeless. Spacious. 

Nothing to do. 

Noone to become.

Nothing to prove.

Nowhere to go.

At some point, I found my way to the fully waking state which has not been nearly as “real” for most of today as it usually seems. It has not been nearly as “real” as where I seem to really be, where I really am. 

Ironically, I have been more present to embodied life today.

There is more. 

Sometimes we awaken to it.

Sometimes we live in it.

Sometimes we live as it.

Sometimes it seems like a dream.

Sometimes it is waking from a dream.

What remains?

Love. Love. Love.

Peace