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I intentionally slept in this morning because of a late night last night and a very full week. 

Because I slept in, I had to go straight from sleep to being “on” for getting Sophia up and ready for school and the whole routine that requires me to be awake and alert. 

I’m usually up for a couple of hours before anyone in the house even thinks about stirring. My routines and practices during that time in the morning have been a mainstay in my recovery and continued progress. I forgot just how much of a difference that they make.

Not only was I not awake and alert today. I felt like crap. 

I haven’t felt that poorly for a long time. Migraine-y, lethargic, confused, dazed, dizzy.

I took Iris for a walk in the foothills and noticed that I was feeling the way that I often used to feel during some of the really rough years of recovery.

So, I cut the walk short so I could get in the ice bath and do my morning routine before heading into the office to see clients. 

I had just enough time to make it all happen and as soon as I hit the ice bath, I realized that my intuition was not leading me astray. 

I felt a wave of calm and clarity and a sense of grounding that had been missing earlier. 

Once out of the ice bath, I incorporated a number of techniques I learned from a functional neurologist to find where there was disequilibrium and then bring it back into balance.

By the time I was on my bike and headed into the office, I felt vibrant and alert and full of vitality. Nervous system reset.

This continued with me throughout most of the day until around 3 p.m. when I noticed symptoms popping up that are signs that I need to slow way down, limit incoming stimuli, and listen very carefully to what the body/mind complex needs.

So, I actually did slow down, I did limit stimuli, I did listen, and I did ask for help and was able to relegate several duties that I’m usually performing to other family members. 

To say that this is a cosmic shift (from the pre-TBI years) in how I relate to myself and others would be an understatement, but it is one of the gifts of these now-many years of recovery.  

Instead of trying to push through and getting way worse, I spent time outside in the dirt, lying in the sun for a bit, mowing the lawn, chatting with neighbors on the stoop, setting up our back yard, weeding, and organizing our patio as the sun set.  All things that are energizing and life-giving.

And now I’m finishing the day tired, but not worse. In fact, I’m better. I’m working through symptoms in a wise and responsive way instead of trying to fight them off and reacting in a manner that increases both my suffering and the suffering all those around me. 

I am practicing the practice. 

The hardest part of this practice for me is when I feel like I am making others’ lives harder (particularly my wife) by asking for help. It has take a long time to be okay with other people helping even when they have to sacrifice something to do so. I am really willing to do this on my end, but I don’t like “putting people out.” In fact, the feeling of seeing someone struggle to do the thing I was supposed to be doing has been enough to push my buttons of reactivity and then I re-engage to try to keep them from being uncomfortable. 

Well, that’s a rough cycle to be part of and I am learning that sometimes our lives do inconvenience others and sometimes our conditions in life do make life harder for those we love. 

To fight it is to really increase our own suffering and the suffering of those trying to help.

What I can do is honor the body and mind and to express gratitude for the sacrifices being made. 

I’d still rather be the one making the sacrifice. I find that a lot easier. 

But there is a lesson here and a part of me that needs to grow in the wisdom of surrender and humility and gratitude. 

I have much to learn, far to go, more to grow. 

But I am practicing the practice and I am seeing the fruit of many small steps over a long period of time. 

Many thanks to all those who have supported me. I hope I can express my gratitude in a way that is meaningful and communicate how much it means to me. And I also hope to be able to shoulder more and more of the load when it is my turn.

Peace